What is the Goal of Childrearing?

On the face of it this may seem like a silly question. I think most parents would say something along the lines of their goal being to raise a happy, healthy, kind child that can function independently in the world as an adult. Depending on your particular beliefs, aspects of religious, spiritual, or moral teaching may be part of your answer as well. I raise this question after reading an interesting article by psychologist Richard Weissbourd. He argues (and research backs this up) that many parents in today's American culture have begun to put their child's happiness and self-esteem as a primary childrearing goal, often over morality and maturity. Now, of course, all parents want their children to be happy. The real question, however, is what is the best route to get there? Weissbourd contends (and I agree) that the best way to promote children's happiness is to help them learn to focus on their relationships with others. He states,

"Yet the irony is that when parents prioritize their children's happiness or self-esteem over their attentiveness and care for others, children are not only less likely to be moral: they are less likely to be happy in the long run. Too much attention to how children feel moment to moment, and to how they feel about themselves, can make children preoccupied with their own feelings and less able to tune in to or organize themselves around others. It can deprive children of key capacities they need to have gratifying relationships-- to be good friends, colleagues, parents, grandparents-- the true source of lasting well-being."

Weissbourd thinks that instead of happiness, our goal in childrearing should be helping our children develop maturity. Maturity involves learning to regulate your own emotions, handle conflict amicably, and self-evaluate our behavior. I think most of us inherently know that our relationships with others are really the source of much of our happiness, yet I can see how this might be easy to overlook in the midst of childrearing. Plus, it's not easy to explain to a three-year-old why it's more important to learn to get along with their older sibling than it is to have that ice cream sundae. Of course, this is not really an either/or proposition. By focusing less on momentary happiness and more on maturity and relationships, happiness will be the ultimate prize.

Weissbourd offers several great suggestions for how to nurture maturity in children, but his discussion of strength of self is particularly good. While it is tempting to think that praising children all the time helps build their sense of self, Weissbourd makes what I think is a compelling statement, "The self becomes stronger and more mature less by being praised than by being known." This is something I know I want to remember. As adults, we all know we can easily see through false praise; whether it be from a boss, friend, coworker, etc. I think kids can see through false praise many times too. According to Weissbourd, it is more important that a child feel that the parent knows him/her--their unique qualities, likes and dislikes, and ways of interaction.

All good things to remember! Happiness (for ourselves and our children) may be one of our goals, but actually focusing less on ourselves may be the path to get there.

Photo credit

New Podcast: Common Child Development Myths

Awhile back I had the opportunity to record a podcast with one of the co-founders of Tumblon, a wonderful website that helps parents track their child's developmental milestones. Tumblon also offers other great resources such as product reviews, articles, and parenting tips. In the podcast, we discussed a number of common child development/parenting topics and what available research has to say about them. Here's just some of the topics we discussed:

- Can an infant be spoiled?

- Do DVDs marketed for babies and toddlers really help their language development?

- What is the role of background TV on children's play?

- How can parents help their young children develop language?

Listen to the full podcast here. I'd love to hear your comments!

(photo credit: http://ipopmyphoto.com/)

Babies' Development: Newborn Reflexes

In response to last week's poll, I'm going to start posting regularly on various aspects of babies' and children's development. I'm sure many of you are familiar with some of this information but if you're like me, I find this stuff fascinating and can't get enough of it. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it too. 

Today's topic is reflexes. Babies are born with several innate reflexes and mysteriously disappear after the first few months of life. For some, their function is clear; they usually help the baby survive in some way. Others, however, are a bit of a mystery to scientists as to why they exist. Some of these are very obvious, but I was surprised at the few that you wouldn't necessarily notice unless you knew what to look for. Here are some of the most common newborn reflexes:

Moro reflex: When startled or moved position abruptly (as if falling), babies will instinctively extend their arms, legs, and neck as if grasping for something to hold onto.

Stepping reflex: This one is kind of mysterious. If you hold a newborn upright under the arms, supporting his/her head and neck, he/she will begin stepping as if walking. The odd thing is that this reflex disappears by about 2 months of age and doesn't return until the baby gets ready to walk several months later.

Rooting reflex: This one is obvious to most moms right away. When you stroke a baby's cheek, he/she will turn his/her head in that direction. This, of course, is the baby's way of looking for a nipple in anticipation of being fed.

Babinski reflex: This one is a bit of a mystery too. When a baby's foot is stroked, the toes fan out and the foot turns slightly inward. It is not clear why this reflex exists.

Palmar reflex: When an object or finger is placed in baby's hand, he/she will grasp onto it. Usually the grip will get stronger if you try to pull the object away. Who knew this was a reflex! I just thought it was cute.

Gallant (swimmers) reflex: This is another one I would have never thought to look for. When holding a baby facing down across your arm (back facing you), if you stroke alongside his/her spine the back will curve/squirm to the side you stroke. It looks almost as if the baby is swimming (hence the name).

The video below shows many of these reflexes in action. Babies are amazing, aren't they?

Poll Results

Last week I posted a poll about the types and sources of parenting information you like. Can you tell my nerdy research side is coming out? Thanks to all who responded! 

The first question asked what types of parenting information you would like more information about. As you can see, most readers were interested in child development (e.g., milestones, what to expect, etc.) and discipline. This is great to know because these are some of the topics I plan to write the most about in the future. There is tons of great research conducted on these topics everyday so I hope to "translate" and share much of it with you. 

The next question asked about where you most often find information about parenting and child development. The results here are not surprising. Since all of you are obviously Internet savvy, this came up as the top source of information. Of course, books and magazines are also an important source of information.

Thanks again for all of you who responded. If there are specific topics you'd like to read about, feel free to post a comment and let me know. 

One Lovely Blog Award

This morning I woke up to a nice surprise. Crystal at Simply Being Mommy awarded me the One Lovely Blog award. Thanks, Crystal! Check out her blog for great reviews, giveaways, and information.

Here are the rules:
1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

This is a great way to share blogs that you like and find new ones. Here's my 15 latest favorites. Take a few minutes to check them out:

Growing a Baby in Seattle

Mom's Toolbox

Thrifty and Chic Mom

A Psych Mommy

Ramblings of a Fab Brunette

A Pocket Full of Buttons

Bundle 2 Baby

Crazy Adventures in Parenting

Delightsome

Great Fun 4 Kids

Momalom

Things Moms Like

3 Boys and a Dog

The Obnoxious SAHM

All Hail Queen Mommy

Mothers and Others: Those Who Make Us Who We Are

With Mother's Day coming up I thought it would be appropriate to discuss the hugely important role mothers play in child development. In thinking about this, though, I ran across an interesting article that made me think outside the box a little. In her book, "Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding" Dr. Sarah Blaffer Hrdy considers the role other caregivers play in helping us humans become social. As we all know, human babies, in contrast to most all other mammals (including primates), are born surprisingly dependent on adults and stay that way for a long time. Most other mammal babies can leave their mothers within a few months or a couple of years at the most and function quite well in their environment. Not so with human babies. They require many years (some would say more than 18 :) to become independent people. Because of this long period of caregiving, Dr. Hrdy argues, human mothers need a lot more help from "other mothers" in the community. These "other mothers" can be anyone who helps care for the baby--fathers, grandmothers, aunts, etc. This willingness to let other adults care for infants is a uniquely human trait. Even primates like chimps and gorillas do not let other adults hold or care for their babies. Dr. Hrdy argues that it is this cooperative caregiving that has allowed humans to develop many of the social skills that these other species don't have--like social trust, cooperation, altruism, and empathy. One article described it this way

"Our capacity to cooperate in groups, to empathize with others and to wonder what others are thinking and feeling — all these traits, Dr. Hrdy argues, probably arose in response to the selective pressures of being in a cooperatively breeding social group, and the need to trust and rely on others and be deemed trustworthy and reliable in turn. Babies became adorable and keen to make connections with every passing adult gaze. Mothers became willing to play pass the baby. Dr. Hrdy points out that mother chimpanzees and gorillas jealously hold on to their infants for the first six months or more of life. By contrast, human mothers in virtually every culture studied allow others to hold their babies from birth onward, to a greater or lesser extent depending on tradition."

Personally, I think this is a fascinating idea and one that also sheds a little light on our modern day culture. In our individualistic society I think it's easy for mothers to think that they have to do everything themselves. Of course, we all know that mothers share a special bond with their children that no one can replace. But, I think this article gives us insight into the idea that raising children really is a social activity. Babies enjoy human interaction above just about anything else and this interaction can be with mom but also with dad, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, etc. This shared caring for babies really helps us become, well, human. It helps us (and baby) learn to trust, cooperate, and anticipate the feelings of others. 

So on Mother's Day I'm going to thank my mom for helping me become who I am. But I may also think about those "other mothers" too--my dad, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

- Listen to a Podcast on this topic

New Poll

Recently the organization Zero to Three collaborated with American Baby magazine to conduct a poll of parents about the challenges they face and what information they'd like to have. This inspired me to conduct my own (much less scientific) poll. Please take a minute and answer the questions above. I'd love to hear your feedback! Hopefully I can cater upcoming posts to provide some information you're looking for. I'll be blogging about the results of this poll and the official Zero to Three poll in upcoming posts.